Finding My "Zen"

Zen – what is zen? I’m not entirely sure...I read Siddartha and dabbled in the armchair, studenty type Buddhism at various points, but I feel like a lot of what we now refer to as “self-care” falls into this type of realm. Or even the Hygge craze of a couple of years ago. We have tuned into this need for quality time to look after ourselves, but as a western culture we also had to make it a thing that involved baths and pampering and stuff (nothing wrong with that, either!).

For me it’s a sort of intangible peaceful feeling, a contentedness. It requires tuning out the noise of the world and finding something relaxing to focus on. Although sometimes it happens by accident. For me, a lot of my “inner zen” can be memory related, those little moments in time that stick in your head, that weren’t necessarily big or eventful days at the time, but for some reason they are the ones that give you a feeling of comfort and somehow stand out more vividly than others.

This week I have been drinking herbal tea before bed. I have this vanilla chai (decaf) tea and for some reason this week it reminded me of this coffee shop in the town where I went to college. This was twenty years ago, and Chai tea was believe it or not a new thing. Not even Starbucks had it (in fact Starbucks had yet to invade our town). Anyway there was a cool hip coffee shop across the street that we tended to frequent, but I wandered into this little one that I had never been in for some reason. It was small and had been there forever.

The owner was a friendly man and it was one of those weird moments where you don’t know what you want and he sensed that and asked had I ever had Chai? I honestly had not ever heard of it (in 2020 I know this sounds INSANE ha ha!). Anyway he just kind of took it on himself to make it for me, he said something like “you have to try this, I promise” and I patiently waited for this exotic new drink to be made – it took longer than any chai latte in the history of chai lattes, but I do remember feeling really chill and in the moment for whatever reason that day.

Finally it was ready. Even if it had been terrible I would have felt obliged to smile and say it was great, because the man was so vested. But it was great. It was actually the most delicious drink ever in the history of hot drinks, and reader, no one has made a chai latte that has come close in my life since!

The coronavirus quarantine of almost three months now has meant less available alone time for me personally. As an introvert, being locked down with someone else almost always nearby, has made me stake out claims in ways I wouldn’t normally need to for myself. Sometimes we choose to be apart from each other, in separate rooms, not out of anger or any particular frustration but just…it’s a lot, lockdown in a one bedroom apartment.

The only time I am alone is if I choose to go for a walk by myself, which is in its own way stressful living in a city given our current circumstances, so even that time isn’t as relaxing as it could be. I miss the gym, I miss going into shops, the occasional coffee with a friend. I miss random small chats with strangers, the petting of dogs, the ordering of food and coffee and beer and t shirts and whatever. I miss the smell of food cooking by anyone other than me, and yes I am really sick of cooking, not to imply I am a hardworking chef by any means. I still feel nervous to order food, I know lots of people are but I’m just not there yet.

I took a lone walk in the light rain last week (I prefer to go out when it's likely to be less crowded) and was rewarded with some solitude.

City lockdown, Scotland style

I felt weird stopping to take pictures, almost like a spy or something, looking over my shoulder, making sure no one is coming. I admit I did get into my solitary photo shoot after awhile, it is one of if not the prettiest time of year in Scotland right now.

White lilacs

I have felt an easing in my spirit this week, and apologies if this sounds/is eyeroll worthy ;-), but I think this is a lot to do with being introduced to the chilled, calm, awesome* world that is Yoga with Adriene for the past couple of weeks. Late to the party I know, as she has something like a gajillion followers on Youtube.

I have tried and failed to get into virtually taught yoga a few times over the years. I have a box set of dvd’s that are just a bit too clinical. I did yoga semi regularly in my early 20s, and took an occasional class here and there in Scotland. I took a Pilates class for a good spell a few years ago, but it never quite gave me the same relaxed, soul refreshing vibes that a great yoga class can.

Adriene is such a guru, what I mean by that is, someone who inspires me, who doesn’t intimidate or make you feel less than for being at whatever level you are at. Yoga with Adriene has a very simple and kind and inclusive tone in her practice that is so refreshing.

She often says things like “It’s ok if your pose looks different from mine” or gives small adjustments.

I admit I find the competitive yoga poses of Instagram off putting. I have also tried a few body positive yoga videos during lockdown and while they are great, there simply aren’t the volume and selection that I am seeking right now.

I find having to switch from one instructor to another jarring and I admit, it’s just easier to click through Yoga with Adriene’s hundreds of available videos, many of which are chilled sleepy time ones, which are definitely my go to! I have also started the “Home” series this week, one of several 30 day series she has created; so far it is a bit more challenging that the chillax ones but I trust Adriene will give me a break at some point, because she is cool like that! 😊

The other thing Yoga with Adriene has is a dog, a blue heeler called Benji, who is super calm and fluffy and cute and there during class most of the time. He obviously just likes chilling while his Mom does yoga and I freely admit a yogi with a cute doggo is always going to be more of a draw for me!

Adriene’s classes are filmed in her home in Austin, Texas and this adds to the whole relaxed vibe, despite being very successful and having more giant plants and piles of groovy woven blankets as the time passes I cannot help but notice! But you just imagine you could chill with a cup of herbal tea with her and be a girl who practices yoga on the regular and goes to Austin festivals (yes I get carried away it’s just my thing, I swear I am not stalker lol).

Also one of my oldest friends lives in Texas. I visited her there once, and watching yoga with Adriene does make me feel more connected to the idea of friends and home as an expat on a subconscious level if that makes any sense. I very much associate yoga in my own life from when I lived in America/was younger, so I guess it’s natural to remember a lot of my yoga experiences from that era as I tiptoe back into the land of downward dog and sun salutations.

I also dig that Adriene intersperses her more holistic yoga speak with enough down to earth real-ness and occasional goofiness to add up to an altogether un-annoying, fun, modern interpretation of what yoga is about. She manages to teach yoga in a healing, soulful, but never too self-serious way.

A possible side effect of all of this breathing and stretching and carving out time to be present alone has made me feel a bit more relaxed. My mind has been wandering and thinking about when were other times in life I felt this zen/calm feeling, aside from yoga. I do think something about yoga/meditating does bleed into the rest of your life and make little things less irritating (even things about your own self! 😉).

I hope I stick with it, not because I have any particular fitness goals other than to stave off encroaching lockdown atrophy(!), but because I am lazy at creating self-care or zen moments independently, and yoga, right now, is giving me that peaceful feeling that I usually leave to chance. I currently look forward to the evening ritual of relaxation and letting the cares of the world slip away with some deep stretches and breathes. It's so deceptively simple, but it works wonders.



*I cannot help but find Adriene’s use of the word awesome endearing, being from Massachusetts where "wicked awesome" was our main exclamation. Her language overall contributes to the cozy feeling of her videos it must be said, she is super casual and comforting overall.

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