Hello! Long time no see. This is a very old picture of me. I think I was maybe 20ish. For whatever reason it is one of those pictures I always looked at and thought "I like how I look, but also I don't feel like that's me?" - if that makes sense! And that is kind of how I feel after stretching myself thin trying to please whatever the algorithms are into on various writer platforms for the past few years.
Another ancient pic. I think there are probably less than a handful of candid shots of me at this age - I'm Gen X, we hardly took any pictures of each other! There were maybe a couple of shots on a special occasion, that's about it. This pic was taken at some overpriced hipster bar in Soho in NYC the first time I lived there.
I remember my dress because it was expensive at the time, my mom bought it for me at a cute store off Broadway downtown - one of these boho boutiques that got driven out of business decades ago no doubt, at least in Manhattan. Weirdly on my most recent visit to my mom in Florida she bought me another orange/reddish orange dress.
I wish my hair still looked like that. Menopause is wreaking havoc on my curls. They are now super limp and frizzy, and won't hold a curl to save their life. In the past few weeks I have tried new to me things like Shockwaves mousse, Only Curls gel, Cantu gel, and nothing is working.
Anyway. What am I doing here? I haven't blogged in almost four years. At times over the past year I kind of forgot I even had my blog active. Most of my old blogger pals have closed the doors on their blogs, this thing has felt like a ghost ship for some time now.
I am not even sure how to do anything in this new Blogger interface.
As I was saying, I am back (I think) ish. For who/what purpose I do not know. I admit, I got my head turned writing on Medium. From around 2022-2024 I was making anywhere from pocket change to actual triple (and in one case quadruple) digits on articles I wrote there. It was good while it lasted, but the company is no longer interested in paying writers, or writers like me, to spend our time and effort there.
I shifted to Substack last year but that place feels like it went stagnant overnight too. So I really don't know what I am doing anymore as a writer online. If I am going to write for free it might as well be under my own umbrella, on my own terms. Hey, everything retro is new again - did you hear they are bringing back Myspace?
Sometimes I just feel like writing without feeling like I am shouting in amongst an overcrowded din - yes I know not writing here has tanked my blog into oblivion with the Google algorithm but I kind of don't care at this point.
I am going through a pretty rough moment in life right now. One of my oldest friends is in hospice end of life care. I feel weird writing about it online in most spaces. It has been devastating and I am still in denial on some level.
She had a heart attack in late May and suffered brain damage from oxygen deprivation. I have cried and prayed and done all of the woo things known to man to try to get her back. I still don't know how I am going to get through it. Every day I hope for a miracle but the chances are basically non-existent. If I sound emotionless please know I have been turning myself inside out over this for months and I just don't know what else to do or feel.
I know the reality will hit when it happens but for right now I am just trying to live my life each day as it comes. And here is the space where my kooky hyper fixation survival mode click in. And maybe I should be embarrassed to admit this but hey I am among friends/probably writing into the void so whatever.
I am a newly minted member of the BTS fandom. I know, I am an old lady, how embarrassing. But they are just so fun and happy and distracting. Of course I had heard of BTS but after suffering through the endless tedium of the World Cup (it's a BFD in Scotland) this summer I was finally rewarded with a concert at the end/during the halftime final. Now everyone in the UK hates this idea and thought it was lame. I myself thought it was pretty sucky, until this gleeful gang of South Korean showed up and made everyone else pale in comparison:
Ok Blogger won't embed this to save my life so click on it if you want!
BTS | FIFA World Cup 2026™ Final Halftime Show | Full Performance - YouTube
You guys, it didn't end there. I started learning who all the members are, Jungkook (or "JK") being my personal favorite. And they have so many great bops! I also like their more earnest stuff too.
I just think they are adorable. I even challenged myself to learn the "Dynamite" dance - thankfully there are lots of helpful tutorials! Caution to anyone over 35 do stretch out first, my hips were screaming the next day from the MJ kicks lol. It has been a fun distraction anyway from feeling sad/helpless all the time.
Anyway, hello to anyone who stumbles across this. What's the happs in blogging? It can't be any worse than social media these days. I am so over it. I am ready to start being frilly and writing about whatever floats my boat again.
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